A 19-year-old's Search for Self

anonimosity

in life, it is necessary to socialize. sometimes, it is better to be alone and think things over.

in my life, i have done a lot of thinking over, and yet, i still cannot get hold of the answers i needed.

now, i present to you something new in my life. i have been thinking and i always forget what i wanted to retain. it might be a loss of memory disorder or i don't just pay attention.

i want this blog to be as anonymous as possible.

if i would introduce myself, it would be as vague as possible.

i am thinking of subtitling this blog as "The Mind of a 19 Year Old". but, if i were to keep this blog, i wouldn't be always 19 years old, am i? so, I'm resorting to changing the subtitle as i age.

WHO AM I?

* i am male.

* i am a college student.

* i am very active in sports.

* i love adventure.

* i am raised a Christian and yet, i have trouble practicing it

* i believe that there will come a time when the world will be united.

anonimosity

i had an awfully bad day yesterday.

i went to school without expecting from the day. i was my usual self - cheerful and positive.

i was given the news that i would be adding another year to my N-years of college education. i take full responsibility of what happened as it really is mine. i can blame everyone i want to blame, but i know, deep down inside, it was fully my fault.

i felt so crushed; although, i did not let others see that.

if there are things i am proud of, one of them is my ability to hide my feelings. i am such a very good person in acting what i want them to think i am feeling. if i wanted them to think i am happy, i can. you may say it is bad but trust me, it can be very helpful at times.

by dinner, i fully accepted the fact that i would be graduating with the lower batch. it was then that i was back to my normal - cheerful and happy - nature. we ate Italian and i had a blast. i have been craving for Italian for a month now.

if you don't know, the student council election was held yesterday. i was really hoping that my friends would win it because they deserve to win it. but, the fact that an inexperienced person placed as one of the councilors. my friends only got booted out because of a measly 6 votes. how could this happen?

is politics really a test of how popularity? this from-nowhere candidate only won because of good looks and only that.

that triggered my feelings yesterday. it was easy for me to accept that i was delayed; but, not the loss of my friend. my being delayed was fair; but her loss was not. 

i know that we should always move on. however, it also takes time. we cannot move on with a snap of a finger if what took its toll on us is very deep, indeed. there are things in life we could accept easily. and there would always be things that would stand in the way of our ideals, making them harder to accept.

it is bad to take revenge. but, there is nothing wrong with proving other people how unworthy they are. 

i give you two sides of acceptance. ideally speaking, we should always move on and we are always told how easy it is. but, it really is not and there are things easier said than done. moving on would tell us what we prioritize in life. if i may say, yesterday, my friends was more important than my academics. i do not tell you to idolize me but i tell you to know your life's priorities.

it is harder to accept the facts that taint our most prioritized things rather than those we don't care of.

WHAT I'VE LEARNED ABOUT MYSELF:

i realized that i had wrong priorities. the fact that it was easier to accept the delay proved me i was not being a good student after all. there is nothing wrong with looking after your friends, but, as we are students, we are expected to study since it is also for our benefit.

anonimosity

now, i am having the dilemma of producing a good and readable entry.

i am trying very hard to come up with a thing that I've learned today. but, i am very unsuccessful. i am very much preoccupied today, mostly.

we have a project that is due this week. i mean, we will be presenting it on Monday. it is better that we finish it this week and worry about its written report and PowerPoint presentation this weekend. we worked hard for this project. *grins* you should know that it is very hard to cram at a time where everything you are doing is crammed.

i wish i could play volleyball such that all of the stress and discomfort i contain will be released. i can't wait until tomorrow to play.

if i were to assess myself at this moment, i think that i am most passionate about volleyball. i try very hard to improve my skills. every weekend, if i were not practicing spiking, i do serving. and, if i had the chance, i would join the local competitions. yung "purok-purok" ba. *evil laugh*

i am going to leave everything at this state. this way, i would be bothered and stay awake all night - which i really need.  

anonimosity

i have a very strong feeling that people have a wrong idea about what fairness in life means.

most people would complain about life not being fair. pero, what do we really mean by fairness?

Wiktionary (a very reliable source, if i may add) defines fairness as the property of being fair. while fair is synonymous to just or equitable.

now, tell me, what is fairness in life? most people would say that life is fair when we receive many blessings and have things go our way.

this is where people have the wrong notion of what a just or equitable life is.

fairness in life, for me, is having your share of ups and downs. we can never say that life is being unfair or we can never conclude that life will be or has been unfair to us.

life is fair since we all get to experience the top and bottom of the wheel.

the word unfair comes from of the mouth of people  who would look into their burdens and forget about their blessings. sometimes, we are so blinded by our problems that we tend to forget that we also receive blessings to keep the scale balanced.

life is fair to you, it is how you look at life which is unfair. it is unfair that you see yourself as a victim of life - you would always find someone who is at a much better state than you. it is so unfair that you see that life has given you everything you need - you would always find someone whom you can say you are much better.

what is unfair is how we treat ourselves and our lives.
 

anonimosity

since there are no classes today because of the transport strike, i have another chance of posting an entry.

the project takes up most of my time and other responsibilities. i am glad that we are nearly done with the semester and i'm looking forward to next year's academic journey. all i need to do now is to study for the final stretch of the semester and i'll be on vacation.

during summer, i need to find time to organize myself and my life. aside form the usual academic-related things, i also learned a lot about life. and here i found myself - i found my niche and my strengths.

i am very happy with how my life is turning out. i know that there are things about me that i want to improve; but they are just little aspects of me. over-all, i am quite satisfied.

 life has never been this good to me.

anonimosity

many people wonder when they will get the chance to do everything they want to do.

and, many people also just wait for the chance to do the things they want to do.

it sounds like they advice they give you when you search for love. love daw should not be searched. you'd rather wait for it to come to you. and, thus, compared to a butterfly. love is like a butterfly, it sits on you when you don't move. 

but hey, no butterfly will come to you unless you are a very pretty flower.

what i meant to say is, if you've got something going on and you want to do/have something, do everything in your power to make it happen.

this leads me to a certain situation that were all connected [in a way].

there was this exhibit at school that featured personalities who graduated from our school. the exhibit was sponsored by some organization, Organization X. Organization X believes that every one of us is destined to do something. or they believe in the achievement of a person's purpose in life. they want to help people answer the question, "What am I here for?" i very much like the idea of such organization. i truly believe in their goals and objectives - because, i am that kind of person. 

i also believe that we are born on this world for a purpose. we are all given our passions to make that purpose happen. and what i want to do is:

1. define my passion. and from there fulfill my said purpose in life.

2. influence others in finding their niche in this world. and help them realize it.

3. help other people help other people.

all in all, i want to find myself even more and from there i really want to help other people. 

anyway, after seeing the exhibit, i was happy. however, i had second thoughts about joining. i was thinking about my other commitments, my academics, my other responsibilities. i have enough responsibilities as it is, am i willing to add more?

that was when i found a book in Book Sale entitled Do It! Let's Get Off Our Buts. in the short run, it tells you that when you want to do something, do it. don't worry about everything else, just do it. it's like a tagalong saying, kung gusto may paraan kung ayaw, maraming dahilan. it sounds like that. however, it does tell me more than that. it also tells me about negative feelings and how to make good use of it. 

after that happened to me, i realized that God wants me to do something. yes, i still believe that God controls our life and lays out choices for us to take. however, in this situation, He shows me the way and lays the path for me to take. i know that he knows what my passions are. and i know that he knows that i've been waiting for opportunities to make them happen.

now, what am i waiting for? i am waiting for everything to subside first - my academics and responsibilities. when the time comes, it is then that i plan what am i to do. but, one thing is for sure, wherever i may go, He would always be there to support me. even though, it is not the path He wanted me to take. kasi, if i were meant to be somewhere else, He would always make a way for me to be there. 

that i know of. and that, i've experienced. trust me. 

anonimosity

i am currently experiencing the situation wherein everything you have is taken away form you.

and i am telling you that instead of crying my heart out, i am thinking of turning my life around to get them back.

ok, i am going to tell you what life stole from me:

1. my academics. i got delayed.

2. i was not accepted into the position i was applying for. 

3. my contact lenses were torn by my cousin.

these may be three small things but they mean a lot to me. a whole lot.

do you know the saying about God and throwing rocks at you? it goes something like this.

If you are on the wrong path, God will throw rocks at you. If you are stubborn enough to listen, better endure the pain of rocks thrown at you.

now, God just threw a rock at me. i am convinced that He wanted me to do something else. in short, He wanted me to straighten out my life. and that, i will do.

i am very sorry that it took a very long while until I got the message or i decided to listen. but, it is always better late than never.

at the start of this year, i said to myself i would change. the first quarter was a jet lag of last year. starting this april or even right now, i will change my life's direction. it is towards where God wants me to be. i may not have the exact idea where, but, i will feel it if i'm there.

anonimosity

my organizer / planner / journal has this quarterly check-up pages. i decided to answer them now. [because i wanted to see what is going on]

1. How have you been doing?

I am honest to say that i have not been doing well. I know that i said that i wanted to change. however, i see only a minimal change in  me. i know that it is good that at least i've changed. but, this is not what i expected it to be. or am i just raising the bar high enough to make a change in me overnight? or maybe, i am just expecting too much of myself.

2. How's your health?

I am proud to say that i am quite healthy. i had no major sickness. i only suffered normal colds because of the weather. however, if you were to ask about my mental health, i would say i am very exhausted. i have not been using my mind well. also, i do not control it very much. i am having bad thoughts about other people.

3. On a scale of 1-10, how stressed are you?

I am very stressed and i am rating it 7. i do not rate it 10 because there are times that i am enjoying what i am doing. there are also school work that i do enjoy. and, since i answered that i have not been using my mind well, that is when i feel stressed. i also feel stressed during exams because i am not ready to take it. it seems that i have been doing so many things, yet, there is nothing i get accomplished.

4. Goals Achieved

One of the goals i achieved is to become a more active member of my organization. i am an active member as it is but i feel that there is something that is lacking. but, that achievement seems to be useless.

5. Hate List

i hate myself for being blind, mute and deaf to my surroundings. i tend to isolate myself too much and i pick the events wherein i would talk about what i feel. and i hate myself for being to fake a smile or a frown. i hate myself for not letting others know what i truly feel.

6. Love List

i love the things that are happening to me at the moment. they might not seem to be the greatest experiences here on earth but at least they tell me that there is always time to change. there will always be a way to improve myself. and through them, i saw that i am improving. i saw that there are a lot more to improve. and,  i saw what there is to improve.

this quarterly check-up is very helpful. i am seeing a much more exciting year ahead of me.  

anonimosity

i was watching Pinoy Big Brother Teen Edition Plus earlier this evening. if you call 930pm early. and, i was enjoying the show up until the teen housemates were all inside the house.

inside my head, i am recalling that it should have been me inside that house. i could go audition and prove to them that i am worthy of being inside the house. what might i want to do inside? nothing - to find myself is the most ideal reason. to win is the next most important. i want to enter the house to find who i am. maybe, that is where i will be able to know my true self.

however, the truth will do come out. what effort did i do to achieve this dream or want? nothing, still. what have i got to share with these people? nothing, im as boring as a log.

that is one of the problems i have - i always find an opportunity to prove myself and yet, i lack the effort to take these opportunities. thus, i find myself discouraged once again.

i always have some ideas but i lack the effort to do them.

what is the problem with me?

the truth is, i really dont know who i really am. what i want to do. what my favorites are. who my bestfriends are. i cant even answer the simple question how do you see yourself in the future.

i know that i am now in the stage wher ei need to take responsibilities. but, how can i take responsibilities when i dont know who i am. or what am i even good at.

i really need to look for who i am. i am in dire need of a personality.

this is one of the reasons why i hate watching television - reality television shows to be exact. i often reflect on what is happening with my own life. i am often led to the conclusion that i am such an incapacitated person. i have no capacity to do things and i am not able to prove myself.

but in the end, based on the book, these bad feelings will be my stepping stone to achieving the goals i post.

or maybe, it is not where i will discover who i really am. it may be someplace i dont know or somewhere close to home.

and who am i?

that's what i am going to discover. 

anonimosity

the day was alright considering na i have exams and all.

it was a great day over-all. pero, a day in this house does not end without a fight - no matter how small. true enough meron kanina. pero, since i said i am changing, hindi na ako pumatol. yes, masama ang pumatol sa nakatatanda even though you know that you are on the right side of the world.

to tell you the truth, i am proud to say na i am one of those people na walang pakialam sa kung ano ang tingin sa kanila ng marami. it is in my philosophy not to care so much. and, more than that, i can take any judgment openly. i mean, no hard feelings.

but if your own family judges you for something you obviously are not, ibang usapan na. it was earlier today when my aunt knocks on the door to the computer room. and, after a while, she was screaming her lungs out telling me that i might be onto something.

yun, hinayaan ko lang.

pero, yung sabihan kang baka nasa sindikato ka at nagda-drugs, yun ang hindi ko mapalalampas.

i know that they had the right thing in mind - probably, to protect me from any harm. but, at that moment, i was just so mad at them.

i couldnt even work out where they got the idea of me being into drugs or working in a sindikato.

they should know better.

and, i would say that they should practice what they preach. they should not go saying dont judge others or flush the toilet if they dont even do it themselves. parang, we live up to them. they should be our role models.

also, they should not go blaming my friends for who i am. hindi ba nila alam na a child starts learning at home? sila din may kasalanan kung bakit ako ganto.

maybe they should change na din.

and for a start, stop taking everything out on me.