A 19-year-old's Search for Self

anonimosity

i was watching Pinoy Big Brother Teen Edition Plus earlier this evening. if you call 930pm early. and, i was enjoying the show up until the teen housemates were all inside the house.

inside my head, i am recalling that it should have been me inside that house. i could go audition and prove to them that i am worthy of being inside the house. what might i want to do inside? nothing - to find myself is the most ideal reason. to win is the next most important. i want to enter the house to find who i am. maybe, that is where i will be able to know my true self.

however, the truth will do come out. what effort did i do to achieve this dream or want? nothing, still. what have i got to share with these people? nothing, im as boring as a log.

that is one of the problems i have - i always find an opportunity to prove myself and yet, i lack the effort to take these opportunities. thus, i find myself discouraged once again.

i always have some ideas but i lack the effort to do them.

what is the problem with me?

the truth is, i really dont know who i really am. what i want to do. what my favorites are. who my bestfriends are. i cant even answer the simple question how do you see yourself in the future.

i know that i am now in the stage wher ei need to take responsibilities. but, how can i take responsibilities when i dont know who i am. or what am i even good at.

i really need to look for who i am. i am in dire need of a personality.

this is one of the reasons why i hate watching television - reality television shows to be exact. i often reflect on what is happening with my own life. i am often led to the conclusion that i am such an incapacitated person. i have no capacity to do things and i am not able to prove myself.

but in the end, based on the book, these bad feelings will be my stepping stone to achieving the goals i post.

or maybe, it is not where i will discover who i really am. it may be someplace i dont know or somewhere close to home.

and who am i?

that's what i am going to discover.